Computing humor =)

[futureman]

Compute Jargon, A Classic
This was forwarded to me by a friend; she calls it a classic.

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha. --------- Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta. -------- Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer. -- Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU.---- Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.

Default Directory.---Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message.-- Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File. -- A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware.-------- Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help. ----- What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. -----Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release.--- A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. ---- Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer.---A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers. --- Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. -- Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. -- A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly. -- Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. -- Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. - Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. - Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.

[futureman]

more:

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says :

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, ...

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

+-----+ +------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-----+ +------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

[Perce]

I like Microsoft's version also:

Alpha= Software that has been stolen, bought and modified by 1000 upon 1000 of our Executives and approved by the Legal Team.

Beta= Software tested by 15 year old children (for free) that download off the Internet and that are not alllowed by their parents to file a "problem report". It will also have to be in the "pipes" for 2 years and we must piss off the Hardware Vendors so they don't support it.

Released Product= Errors or not we can charge them at least 100 bucks!!! Except for Business Software, $200!!!!

Hardware= That junk inside that we at Microsoft don't support.

Computers= Hardware that people have thrown it all together, with out our support because we at Microsoft haven't been able to buy them yet.

CPU= that "thing" inside that we at Microsoft always claim is compatiable with our Software but isn't.

Directories= ah it used to be, hmmm, folders??? Hmmm, let's have a meeting and try and figure out what it is called for this OS.

Reference Manual= let's see for DOS 5, it was 400 pages, for W2K, damn we have to give em that also for $200.?? This is a joke right? Right?

Memory= We at Microsoft always make a point of telling our Customers that the min. memory is always half of what it sctually shoud be, we like to be Sadistic!!!

Help= let's put it into the Software, that way we won't have to have a Manual!! Also from a Sadistic viewpoint, they can't use it when the Software, ooops Hardware doesn't work and they can't Boot.

User= Those idiots that buy our overpriced Software, can't install it, becasue we don't give em the manuals, he heee heee.... and most of them don't know how to use it anyways or they can't read.

Telephone Support= What!!!?? That too??!! Damn!! Your phone call is very improtant to us, all of our Technicians are currently busy, and will get back to you next week....Rock of ages come to me......nah we need better elevator music!!! I know, let's advertise our great overpriced products!! That will really piss off the Customer!!! Ah Ha Ha

Board Meeting= after due consideration, our leader Bill, having spent hundreds of hours personally, along with thousand of hours of Legal and Executive time, managed to blow over 12 Billion of our stock prices!!! Yep we had a good meeting. What!!!!?????